Selfish Love

My Love is selfish. I want you, and only you, to be the tenant of my heart.Though a dark place it may be, you can have the key to unlock all the doors and windows, bringing a new light to the darkness–a loving light. After all, I’ve never met someone who understands me so well, whose soul I have connected with so intensely. They say males and females used to be one being, that is until they were split into two, and those two halves of a whole spend their lives searching and longing to become One again–you made me feel as though I found my lost half, like I was truly at home for the very first time, and I could be genuinely happy, for once in my life.

And yet, it is that very Love for you that tears me apart–or, perhaps, it’s my unknowing of the way you feel for me that leaves me so delusional and torn. Fighting with myself, my brain and my heart, undulating with the rise and fall of my emotions–stuck in limbo between friendship and Love.

After you left me–because you realized you still had feelings for your “Him” and needed to work on yourself–I understood why, and I sympathized with you, really, I did! Understanding doesn’t make the pain go away though, it only makes it harder to bear the pain. Maybe my timing was off, but I couldn’t resist the opportunity, and, at the time, I think you needed me just as much as I needed you.

You walked away, unscathed, and got what you needed from me then tossed me aside like I never even existed–I was devastated and heartbroken (it still hurts). I guess I was right about you from the start when I first labelled you as a Succubus. Ironically, you didn’t know what a succubus was, but you managed to play the part terrifically. After all, my relationship with my best friend since preschool has been reduced to smithereens, I sank into an even deeper depression than before, and I was forced to fight off all the demons you had awaken by myself–I gave you everything and in the process, I was left with nothing.

Despite all the pain you have inflicted upon me, I remain under your spell–I still Love you with all my dark, obsessed heart, and I always will, even if that love is never reciprocated.


Moving On

I stood outside her door eager to find out what was in store for me. The next thing I remember is drinking wine out of large coffee mugs with you; then you carefully select a record, place it on the turntable, put the needle on the record, and melancholy sounds start reverberating around the room. We start talking about the beauty of classical, swing, tango and other forms of music, and in our inebriated state, we suddenly start dancing. I’m holding you close, your breasts tightly pressed against my chest, swaying side-to-side never wanting to let go. I ruined that moment by kissing you. Maybe it was the wine, maybe it was the music, or, maybe it was our way of saying to one another, “I want you.” The next thing I know, we are laying naked, staring into each others eyes trying to catch a glimpse of your soul.

On a whim, I thought it would be a good idea to drop all my responsibilities, term papers, and final exams, all for the remote possibility that I might court her. I could have stayed with you that night, and I don’t know what came over me, but I left you to sleep alone. From that moment on, whatever fire we had for each other, was dead and gone.


Underestimate My Existence

I’ve always underestimated my abilities. Maybe it’s because I never thought I was good enough. I never thought I was smart or attractive, I wasn’t cool or nerdy, I wasn’t wealthy, I didn’t have a dad–I was an outcast. Even within my family I felt like I was out of place; my mom and sister have always been very supportive and loving, but something is still missing–something so integral to solving the mystery of who I am and what I’m meant to do for the world. I didn’t feel like I was ever truly accepted for the entirety of my being, because I hardly reveal it anymore–suppressed like my feelings and thoughts. I’m fearful that once people know how weird I really am, they won’t like me, or they’ll make fun of me. At what cost am I paying for people’s acceptance; is it really worth it?

I could never understand the reason why people like me; I mean, I don’t even like myself, so why do other people? What do they see in me? Do they like the aspects of myself that I hate, or is it something else, and what is that something else? I connect with people and I get along with them; I’m actually at my best when I’m around other people. I like to think that if I had the answer to these questions–understanding the “why”–that I would be at peace. Still, I can’t help but feel that I’m hopeless and alone.

I feel empty. Where are my so called friends when I need them most? Do they even care about me anymore? I haven’t given them much of a reason to, nevertheless, it would be nice to hear from them and let me know they are thinking of me.

Tragically, I set high expectations of myself because I know what I’m capable of, but I think of myself as such a failure, that my capabilities, expectations and dreams always fall short from reality as a result of my own underestimations of myself.



Symbol of You

How can such a simple item like a toothbrush so powerfully remind you of everything we used to be? I remember when I first gave it to you, it was such a stupid gesture, but you were so excited about it. Looking back, it was subtly acting as a symbol of you moving into my life; I think it was the first time since the end of your previous relationship that you felt anything remotely close to love, and your accepting of that made start falling for you hard, very hard. In fact, I think you are the only person I have ever loved aside from my family and, of course, myself.

I know I’m clingy, but that’s because every waking moment of my life is spent thinking about the past–everything I ever did wrong, everyone that I ever felt a connection with, and dwelling on how big of a disgrace I am–or fantasizing about the future–everything I’m capable of achieving, my dreams and aspirations, and what my family will be like. Naturally, I think about the person that I had the most intense feeling for–that person is you. It’s weird, but I know there was something there, I have never felt a connection so strong, and, yet, you were the one who wasn’t ready. I understand your circumstances, but that doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt; it only means that I’m going to hold on to something that may never be, possibly forever. I’ll always think, “what could have been?” That’s merely one example of my perverted brain. But, you were too understanding. You once wrote something along the lines of “And I think I’ve met my match–someone as damaged as me. But he doesn’t like when I use that word.” You never wanted to hurt me, and that’s one more reason for me to love you always.


Pain Hurts

There are some days the pain hurts so bad, you can’t contain it–
It pours out like a leaky faucet ready to burst from the pressure.
But unlike a faucet, a heart that burst and breaks cannot be replaced, it has to be mended, Put back together–

You will try to put it back together and find there are pieces missing.
You can’t quite figure out how to make it right, how it used to be–

Some days, the pain comes back, and it hurts more than ever…


Holding on to the Idea of You

The mere thought of you still manages to give me butterflies. You lit a fire in me and now, I find myself dwelling, “what’s wrong with me? What could I possibly be doing so wrong?” Even still, I can’t help but wonder “Why can’t I let you go?” Every time I’m ready to let you go, you reel me back in–I’m addicted. You were the only person to make me feel anything emotionally positive in a long time. What can I say? Our souls connected instantaneously; before long, I found myself hopelessly in love with you. Despite my feelings for you, I never told you how I truly feel about you out of fear of rejection.

Why do I hold on to you when you are clearly meant to be free? Not to mention, being stuck with me is a curse that would only lead to more pain, and you don’t deserve that. That doesn’t stop me from wishing that you were by my side.

Honestly, I never understood why you liked me in the first place–in fact, I never understood why anyone ever liked me. There’s nothing to like. I’m just a broken soul with an endless list of problems and concerns.

I fear, like many others, that I will remain forever alone–
Always holding on to the idea of you.


Disconcerting Days

Stuck in Limbo, meeting the ghosts of my horrifying past.
Clinging on like parasites, diminishing the essence of my being,
Until I am reduced to nothingness–

Forever forgotten and detached of all feeling,
I fear my light may be fading,
With little chance at reconciling my mistakes, my demons.

I thought I could triumph over the grim grasp they have over me–
But, how can I when my efforts are perpetually superseded by darkness?

I sense it now more than ever,
Desperately searching for a faint glimmer of light
In my life that I can hold and cherish,
To guide me, protect me,
From the shadows within.



Despairing Destiny

I always knew I was destined to suffer through an unfathomable amount of struggle and pain. Despite my knowing this, I remain afraid of hurting, feeling, failing–why can’t I overcome this monumental predicament? If I cannot, I fear I will never be able to truly experience life and live up to my potential. Perhaps this is the suffering I must endure in my lifetime; though, I will continue to dream, and work toward making my dreams reality.

This is just one out of a myriad of back-and-forth conversations that I have in my head on a regular basis. I’m in a never-ending battle with myself and my fluctuating positive thoughts and negative emotions, with one side never truly triumphing over the other.

And, so, the battle goes on…