The Sunshine Princess

She emerges from the Sea prophetically–
Her bronzed skin, layered with droplets of water,
Glistening with glory in summer sun.

The way she moves is enough to paralyze a man–
Her movements are refined and effortless,
As though she were gliding over the land beneath.

Her eyes have a way of penetrating the darkness in your heart–
Innocently unaware of the light that she embodies,
Gently inoculating the lives of those around her with angelic grace.

She evokes a sensation of Love, long thought to be lost–
She makes your knees tremble, your stomach tighter,
And you find yourself overcome with insatiable desire.

One look is all it takes to become enamored by her being.
And at that moment, you know, with absolute certainty,
She is everything.

JCH

Destination Unknown

Today, I feel the pain of the world as she reaches her arms out for my chest, as if to steal my delicate little heart away.

“Please,” I say, “take good care of it until I return.” As I offer my heart and soul to an indescribable figure from another dimension.

I have no plan. I don’t know where I am going, I don’t know how I’m getting there, I don’t know when I’ll be back, hell, I don’t know if I’ll ever be back! The truth is I’m lost and alone. I’ve always been an outsider though, so it’s not a new feeling. I yearn to feel like I belong–to find someone, something or somewhere that makes me feel like I belong–even if I don’t or ever do.

This insatiable desire, it haunts me. My heart feels as though it is locked away in an unknown void waiting to be set free from a lifetime of misery, and ready to shower the world with love. A love so powerful that it transcends far beyond something as simple as another dimension. No void can contain that, not a single universe can come between that, because love is eternal. Love is everywhere from as large as all the universes combined, down to the most minuscule particles. Love is everything, it’s what we live for, it’s what we die for, it is, by far, the most precious commodity in existence. After all, Love is what gods, or the idea of gods, are made of.

But, love means nothing if you don’t understand it, and I don’t understand it at all.

JCH

For Who If Not For You

Once everything was over between us, I realized I wasn’t the same person that you fell for. Instead, I tried to become the person I thought you wanted me to be and lost myself in the process. The changes I made to my being began at the core–my heart. I wanted to heal you, no, I needed to heal you… Maybe it was just to prove to myself that if I could heal your broken heart, I could heal mine too. Such naive and wishful thinking. Or, perhaps, I loved you so much that I would do anything to be with you. Yes, my darling, I would do anything to be with you then, and I would do anything to be with you now.

I want to see the smile that I fell for once more, with those deep brown beautiful eyes of yours that looked at me as if I was the only person on earth–the only person you would ever love. That’s how deeply you made me feel. It was in those moments that my life seemed to pause and last forever.

Alas, these moments are now nothing other than a distant memory of my fondness for you.

Everything I ever did, it was always just for you.

JCH

Past Participles of a Former Life

Absorbed in the past, I find myself contemplating time–oh, how I’ve grown! Yet, I yearn for a simpler time–a time of naturally carefree innocence, when I didn’t despise myself and feel the need to drown my sorrows and pain. I know that I can never return, but I still find myself dwelling on days long since passed that have shaped me into the man I am today. Back then, I was so full of energy, excitement, happiness and love, but now, I’m consumed by pain. This pain is my own, and only I have the capability to conquer it, but I fear my strength alone is not enough.

The more I think about it, I have always been alone, even with my family and friends standing by my side. I always spare my friends and family of the worries that flood my mind, the heartbreak I have endured, and all the fears that debilitate my every move and thought. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I want to confide in those whom I trust and care for with my sorrows and worries, but also, my dreams and deepest desires. Who could ever possibly understand me, how I feel, my thoughts, or endure the pain that I have? Living a life of loneliness is a deadly disease. Will I ever overcome this feeling?

JCH

World to the Dead

Into the darkness,
Into the mist.

Heart is clouded,
Mind amiss.

Cold to touch,
Hard to hear.

Nothing to see,
Eternal fear.

Empty of taste,
Nutrient void.

Lips sealed shut,
Voyeur schizoid.

Much ado but
Run amuck.

Better not
To give a fuck.

Lifeless, and alone,
Winter’s bone.

JCH

Selfish Love

My Love is selfish. I want you, and only you, to be the tenant of my heart.Though a dark place it may be, you can have the key to unlock all the doors and windows, bringing a new light to the darkness–a loving light. After all, I’ve never met someone who understands me so well, whose soul I have connected with so intensely. They say males and females used to be one being, that is until they were split into two, and those two halves of a whole spend their lives searching and longing to become One again–you made me feel as though I found my lost half, like I was truly at home for the very first time, and I could be genuinely happy, for once in my life.

And yet, it is that very Love for you that tears me apart–or, perhaps, it’s my unknowing of the way you feel for me that leaves me so delusional and torn. Fighting with myself, my brain and my heart, undulating with the rise and fall of my emotions–stuck in limbo between friendship and Love.

After you left me–because you realized you still had feelings for your “Him” and needed to work on yourself–I understood why, and I sympathized with you, really, I did! Understanding doesn’t make the pain go away though, it only makes it harder to bear the pain. Maybe my timing was off, but I couldn’t resist the opportunity, and, at the time, I think you needed me just as much as I needed you.

You walked away, unscathed, and got what you needed from me then tossed me aside like I never even existed–I was devastated and heartbroken (it still hurts). I guess I was right about you from the start when I first labelled you as a Succubus. Ironically, you didn’t know what a succubus was, but you managed to play the part terrifically. After all, my relationship with my best friend since preschool has been reduced to smithereens, I sank into an even deeper depression than before, and I was forced to fight off all the demons you had awaken by myself–I gave you everything and in the process, I was left with nothing.

Despite all the pain you have inflicted upon me, I remain under your spell–I still Love you with all my dark, obsessed heart, and I always will, even if that love is never reciprocated.

JCH

Moving On

I stood outside her door eager to find out what was in store for me. The next thing I remember is drinking wine out of large coffee mugs with you; then you carefully select a record, place it on the turntable, put the needle on the record, and melancholy sounds start reverberating around the room. We start talking about the beauty of classical, swing, tango and other forms of music, and in our inebriated state, we suddenly start dancing. I’m holding you close, your breasts tightly pressed against my chest, swaying side-to-side never wanting to let go. I ruined that moment by kissing you. Maybe it was the wine, maybe it was the music, or, maybe it was our way of saying to one another, “I want you.” The next thing I know, we are laying naked, staring into each others eyes trying to catch a glimpse of your soul.

On a whim, I thought it would be a good idea to drop all my responsibilities, term papers, and final exams, all for the remote possibility that I might court her. I could have stayed with you that night, and I don’t know what came over me, but I left you to sleep alone. From that moment on, whatever fire we had for each other, was dead and gone.

JCH

Underestimate My Existence

I’ve always underestimated my abilities. Maybe it’s because I never thought I was good enough. I never thought I was smart or attractive, I wasn’t cool or nerdy, I wasn’t wealthy, I didn’t have a dad–I was an outcast. Even within my family I felt like I was out of place; my mom and sister have always been very supportive and loving, but something is still missing–something so integral to solving the mystery of who I am and what I’m meant to do for the world. I didn’t feel like I was ever truly accepted for the entirety of my being, because I hardly reveal it anymore–suppressed like my feelings and thoughts. I’m fearful that once people know how weird I really am, they won’t like me, or they’ll make fun of me. At what cost am I paying for people’s acceptance; is it really worth it?

I could never understand the reason why people like me; I mean, I don’t even like myself, so why do other people? What do they see in me? Do they like the aspects of myself that I hate, or is it something else, and what is that something else? I connect with people and I get along with them; I’m actually at my best when I’m around other people. I like to think that if I had the answer to these questions–understanding the “why”–that I would be at peace. Still, I can’t help but feel that I’m hopeless and alone.

I feel empty. Where are my so called friends when I need them most? Do they even care about me anymore? I haven’t given them much of a reason to, nevertheless, it would be nice to hear from them and let me know they are thinking of me.

Tragically, I set high expectations of myself because I know what I’m capable of, but I think of myself as such a failure, that my capabilities, expectations and dreams always fall short from reality as a result of my own underestimations of myself.

JCH

 

Symbol of You

How can such a simple item like a toothbrush so powerfully remind you of everything we used to be? I remember when I first gave it to you, it was such a stupid gesture, but you were so excited about it. Looking back, it was subtly acting as a symbol of you moving into my life; I think it was the first time since the end of your previous relationship that you felt anything remotely close to love, and your accepting of that made start falling for you hard, very hard. In fact, I think you are the only person I have ever loved aside from my family and, of course, myself.

I know I’m clingy, but that’s because every waking moment of my life is spent thinking about the past–everything I ever did wrong, everyone that I ever felt a connection with, and dwelling on how big of a disgrace I am–or fantasizing about the future–everything I’m capable of achieving, my dreams and aspirations, and what my family will be like. Naturally, I think about the person that I had the most intense feeling for–that person is you. It’s weird, but I know there was something there, I have never felt a connection so strong, and, yet, you were the one who wasn’t ready. I understand your circumstances, but that doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt; it only means that I’m going to hold on to something that may never be, possibly forever. I’ll always think, “what could have been?” That’s merely one example of my perverted brain. But, you were too understanding. You once wrote something along the lines of “And I think I’ve met my match–someone as damaged as me. But he doesn’t like when I use that word.” You never wanted to hurt me, and that’s one more reason for me to love you always.

JCH